


The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby

by sweatshirt



Category: Veep
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Babies, F/M, Gen, Sharing a Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 18:26:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5466638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweatshirt/pseuds/sweatshirt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Amy find a baby in a hotel bathroom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Annakovsky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annakovsky/gifts).



> The description is basically all I can say about this fic. It's not super complicated. Just a bunch of asshole ex-White House employees being totally in denial about their looove. <3
> 
> Title is a reference to that episode of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
> 
> Hope you have a great holidays!

“Fuck,” Amy hears Dan yell from inside the bathroom. She decides not to answer. He probably strained a muscle trying to suck his own dick, or something.  
  
“Amy!” He sounds scared. Genuinely freaked. Maybe he dislocated something.  
  
Amy rolls her eyes. “What?”  
  
He sticks his (weirdly square) head out of the bathroom door. “Amy. There’s a fucking baby.”  
  
She gives him The Look. The patented Amy Brookheimer “you are batshit insane” look that she’s perfected after working in D.C. for so long. Dan isn’t having it. “Amy, I’m serious, there’s a baby in the shower. I was… whatever, I just heard it cry. There’s a fucking baby.”  
  
Amy’s more than a little suspicious of Dan’s mental state, so she actually makes the effort to get up from heir chair and walk the ten feet to the bathroom door.  
  
And, yeah, he’s right.  
  
There’s a fucking baby.  
  
A second passes before Amy develops the ability to speak again.  
  
“Have you pissed off one of the teenage girls you dated?”  
  
“Are you kidding? This kid isn’t mine. Look at him.” Amy stares at the baby, which is just as ugly as your average baby. “His eyes are so wideset,” Dan mutters.  
  
Amy decides that as much as she doesn’t want to touch the gross shower baby, he should probably be taken out of the shower, because it’s gross. She puts his cradle on Dan’s bed.  
  
“So. How are we gonna get rid of… it?”  
  
“I don’t know! This is new for me.”  
  
“You worked for the federal government. How do you not know this?”  
  
“So did you, and hey, I’m not the one with ovaries. I thought a woman would have a plan for like, everything baby related. Like how to tell it it’s adopted or its father left.”  
  
Amy just rolls her eyes. She’ll be the proactive one like always. She just has to call one of those government numbers, and they’ll take the baby away and give it to some Daddy Warbucks type. And she’ll get out of this Dan-infested hotel room.  
  
  
\--  
  
  
“Well, that’s just wonderful. Bye.” Any trace of Amy’s sickly sweetness disappears as she hangs up. “The orphanage is closed on Sundays.”  
  
Dan scoffs. “Who invented that rule?” His tie came off in the last few hours, and he rubs his neck.  
  
“God,” Amy deadpans. “They’re Catholic.”  
  
Not that Dan would know anything about it, since he can't step inside churches or touch holy water without bursting into flames. 

He lies down on the bed next to the baby. “You know, he’s not as ugly once you really look at him. He still looks like some sort of mythical troll creature. Like the offspring of Jonah and Lena Dunham or something.”  
  
Amy chokes back a laugh. “You’ll be such a sweet father.”  
  
She needs a drink. Luckily the minifridge is stocked with overpriced liquors. She finds a decent looking champagne and pours it into coffee cups.  
  
“A toast. To our beautiful new family.” Dan toasts her. “Classy,” he says. Amy just shrugs and smiles a little. She’s not an expert, but she’s pretty sure all the rules of class are thrown out the window when you find a baby in a hotel bathroom. And she’s fine with that. Especially if it means Dan stares at her with his dumb handsome shark eyes and looks like he’s actually grateful for once that she’s here.  
  
Their eyes meet for one second, and then the baby cries, and then they have to focus on other things. And the moment’s over. It was just a moment. Always just a moment.


End file.
